Over the weekend I attended a meditation class that included a few speakers. One woman, Evelyn, got up to talk about how this particular philosophy has changed her life.
She and her husband adopted a child several years ago. The exact young boy they were hoping to care for in fact.
Fast forward to present day. The young boy is now a young teenager and has developed some quite severe emotional instabilities. Evelyn went on to say that she and her husband have tried everything in their power to help their son. Some days are good, others bad. Every doctor, diet, medication, etc has been exhausted and the boy still continues to have extreme difficulties both in school and at home. It put a terrible strain on everyone, including she and her husband’s relationship.
Exhausted, guilty and completely helpless, Evelyn turned inward to meditation for guidance.
Here’s where the revelation occurred. Evelyn realized that in all her giving, caring and worry for her son, she had completely lost herself and her ability to be rational. And in losing herself, she was doing her husband, son and yes herself no good at all.
“There’s a reason”, she said, “that the flight attendants tell you to secure your own mask first then that of your child’s in case of emergency. If you cannot breathe, you cannot help your child breathe. If you are unstable and floundering you cannot really make rational decisions”.
I tell you this story because I find her message such a profound reminder in our lives. All of you reading this are certainly givers. And you should be proud of that. But don’t lose sight of yourself in your giving to the point that you no longer can function. Secure your mask first.
You have infinite giving energy inside you just waiting to burst out in every moment. It’s your nature.
And when it comes to children, you will do anything for them to help them. Period. But what Evelyn learned is that in the darkest hours of worry for her boy, it was only in quiet inner reflection and meditation that she found insight and strength to go on. She secured her mask so that she could help her boy with his.
Today, Evelyn still has better days than others. She and her husband finally made the impossible decision to send their son to a special school out of state to get the best assistance he could have. Though their big house feels empty she says, “I know I have done my best and made the decision from my heart this time. That I can feel good about. I have ‘myself’ back and I can now really be there for my son. What a gift”.
With love,
Sahara
I received this comment from a woman who responded to the story in this week’s newsletter. I found it profound and a “must share”.
Hi Sahara,
Thank you for your lovely stories. The one about the mother who reminded us to secure your own mask first struck a cord. I have a teenage son with High Functioning Aspergers. Most of the time he is great; although, when he has an upset things are very challenging. I went through pretty much the same thing most parents experience with special needs children. You feel guilty and desperately try everything possible to fix them. I tried therapy, medications (doctors call it finding the right cocktail), diets, books, support groups, you name it. I was frustrated, depressed and felt like a failure when nothing was working. Finally, when I stopped trying to “fix” him and began to “understand” him things changed. I understood that he lacked social skills and felt alienated by his peers and others. I understood that he needed structure and support, instead of rules, that he didn’t fully understand the importance of following. Why? What does it mean to me if I do or don’t (turn in homework, make bed, pick up after myself)?
Today, I know when he has an upset that he will apologize for his rude behavior like he always does once he cools off and thinks about his actions. Last year when he was 15 his dear Grandfather passed away. My son Ramon (now 16yrs), loves poetry and he wrote a poem that he read at his funeral.
He ended it with:
I share this my favorite quote for you Grandpa:
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
Today is a gift
Today, I understand how to better support him by taking better care of myself.
Much Aloha,
Gail